Dear Commercial America

You're not fooling anybody: for instance, when I go into Walmart and pick up a bottle of your oh-too-early-to-be-on-the-bottle-yet Santa Coca-Cola, you can say Holiday 2009 all you want, but when you write in Spanish "Feliz Navidad," we know what you're saying: Merry Christmas. Literally, Happy Nativity; either way, you're celebrating Christmas. So what? Now we gringos can't celebrate Christmas? Give me a break. You know, I was looking forward to drowning in the delicious sugary syrup that is Coca-Cola, and I say that with all honesty, but just because of that ridiculous commercial ploy, I may just change what I drink this season. Jameson's anyone??

On a similar note, I was staring oddly at my Wendy's cup tonight, and realized that the genius who came up with the quote on the cup needs to be fired, and here's why. It says, "Fresh beef is better than frozen." Really? Because the last time I checked Frozen was not a noun. So. Fail. Sir. That's what we call a dangling modifier. Great work commercial America.

Lastly, I was just perusing facebook, and it just drives me crazy when these ridiculous people get on acting all "i'm a super-christian!" but make a screwed up spelling mistake in their statuses when they write bible verses, like saying Jesus Chris instead of Christ. It just seems like if they were really that stoked about it all they would pay better attention.

Dear Murieli?

So, of late I've had some really odd adds on facebook, one of which was actually a person, but instead of having any pictures of herself, there were literally hundreds of cartoon pictures of little pink bears. It was confusing, but being desperate for online community in my life (or the fact that we had maybe ten mutual friends), I added her.

Well, today another amazing occurrence has taken place. Yesterday I was added by someone named Muriel, I guess. Anyway, we didn't have any mutual friends, so I did what anyone over the age of fifteen should be doing on facebook, write her a WHO YOU? message before accepting her request. Well, her response, was, I don't know, take a look:

"not pewrsonally but will be a joy and bliss having u j m a tibetan dzogchentheachingdevotet student from italy my name is murieli hope u will have me if not is ok fb can be very full radiant tashi delek and thanc for the happy blissfull fortnate group"

That is a direct quote. Need I say more?

Who are you, really, Murieli??

A Very Important Question

Last night I was watching tv after my nine-hour workday, and while pondering over my grandma's new perm, which looks something like this:



I began sort of wondering: what is going to happen to the permanent machines when all the now-old people are gone? People my age, and most of my parents' age do not get them. They will become obsolete? There has to be thousands of these creepy looking machines floating around the old boutiques in your area. What will be done with them all?

This is what came to me: a landfill full of these worthless devices. Seriously? Why didn't we think of this sooner? Call your local politicians, they'll probably write a letter and nothing will ever happen, until it's too late.

H1N-NASTYYY (and other important things)

So here's the deal. Two of the kids I live with have the H1N1 thing. I keep telling them they're going to turn into pigs, but they don't get the joke. I'm thinking about going to the doctor on Monday for some preventative Tamiflu, but the pediatrician said it's best to go ahead and get it and build up an immunity then to try to prevent it. It's kinda inevitable, I suppose. But with my health issues (although I realize they're minor compared to some people I know) I'm a little concerned. If something is in the air, I generally catch it... and on top of severe allergies, chronic sinus issues, and asthma... well, it's the last thing I need.

I mean, I guess H1N1 is the last thing anyone needs. Except maybe the 5-year old I live with. His mother said, "This is a good opportunity for you to learn to sit still." I'm not so sure he agrees. He then told me he hoped I got it. But only after first telling his mom he hoped she got it...

so he can "eat all of the candy in the house while she's in bed."

Not gonna happen, little turkey. You can give that one up right now.

But, I do have to say this. H1N1 is not deadly to the normal person. Everyone is freaking out about it. Understandable. But if you're in decent health and take care of yourself while you have it, it's almost exactly like the normal flu. This is straight from the doctor's mouth. Not mine. Just so you know.

SO QUIT WITH YOUR PROPAGANDA, MEDIA. I will not fear you, H1N1. I shall conquer.

(Probably because of Tamiful. But still, I win. You lose.)

To the Woman at Register 1, Ross, 2:46PM, Saturday:

You may think your matching short purple shorts and purse are the coolest thing since the Gaither Vocal Band, but I can assure you, miss(mrs? dunno), that I have seen pictures from 5(6?) years ago, and they definitely weren't hip then either.

PS-Neither were the snowmen hand towels you returned. Wait, why would you return hand towels? Were they a gift? Who says, you know, I need some hand towels for my bday. Seriously. Bad gift idea. So is not knowing your home well enough to buy them and them not match or something.

For the record, snowmen designs don't match your home, even in winter when your daughter brings the grandkids over to build one, which, duh, will never happen in this state.

Words and Whirlwinds

I'm pleased to announce the beginning of my new blog, Words and Whirlwinds, a site basically devoted to book reviews and other nerdy things.

http://wordsandwhirlwinds.blogspot.com

Tell all your friends.

CHINESE BUFFET.

Disclaimer:
Okay, so here's the deal. This story may not have many pictures. But I will describe things very vividly in an attempt to persuade your imagination to play along.


So, Robbie loves Chinese food. Which is weird because generally Robbie doesn't like anything but greasy American food. But recently, he's trying new things, branching out.

When I suggested Chinese food for dinner one evening when we first started dating he proceeded to tell me how his family went to a Chinese buffet for lunch every Sunday back in Alabama, but he would only eat the things that looked like chicken nuggets. I have since learned that he is referring to sweet and sour chicken, sans sweet and sour sauce.

Fast forward. Now he loves Chinese food more than me. It's very odd. Some of you know I have a weird issue with meat. Weird meat creeps me out. Don't ask me what I define as "weird meat." I eat hot dogs yet freak out over a tiny piece of fat on a piece of white-meat chicken. I think it has something to do with uniformity in texture possibly?

We occasionally eat Chinese food although I've started to avoid it all costs since it upsets my stomach more now that I'm dealing with some awful acid reflux issues. I suggested we eat the buffet close to where I work for lunch yesterday because I know he loves it and well, I get tired of eating the same bagel at Panera everyday.

I made a mental journal based on my observations while we were at the Chinese Buffet, and I'd like to share my thoughts with you now.

First, I love Cream Cheese Wontons. They are AMAZING. Out of this world amazing, yet awful for you. I usually eat like 10 of them. I only had 2 this time. It was hard. But I was saving room for lo-mein and ice cream.

As I was searching for chicken lo-mein, I passed something that looked rather out-of-the-ordinary. Mashed potatoes and gravy. I literally stopped and stared and thought WHO WOULD COME TO A CHINESE BUFFET FOR MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY? Friendz, go to Cracker Barrell.

I located my coveted lo-mein and chowed down. Then it was time for my favorite buffet item: ICE CREAM.

Walked over to the machine. OUT OF ORDER.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So, I pouted for a minute and stared at the other deserts. I saw banana pudding and got really excited. I wondered if it was reserved for the people who ate mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch but decided I could probably have some.

I sat down and quickly realized that apparently, to the Chinese Buffet Top-Chefs, the recipe for banana pudding goes something like this:

Banana-flavored pudding
Gross, nasty wafers

This further ruined my life. Obviously. Banana pudding is like sacred. Holy. I don't know, you don't eff with it like that. I was kinda offended. So then I looked at Robbie rather sheepishly and said "I need pictures for my blog so I can post about this trauma. Helpz?"

Robbie proceeded to creep around the buffet and try to take picures of things when no one was looking. We were unsuccessful. No pictures. Sad, I know.

However, I did get one blurry shot at the table of the banana pudding (minus bananas) and the random seed I found in it.



DEAR CHINESE BUFFET TOP-CHEFS,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK ON NOT PUTTING A WEIRD SEED IN MY BANANA PUDDING AND WORK ON GETTING SOME BANANAS. JUST A THOUGHT.

THANKS,
AMANDA